Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
A+ Viking dick
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
