I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
