I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
