I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
