I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
