Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Randomize
