im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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