yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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