i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
