How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize