The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
