I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
