it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's official drugs can't kill me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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