I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
