He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
