I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
