if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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