one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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