he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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