Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize