Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize