Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
