pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
