I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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