I met the friendliest cop last night
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
