All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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