he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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