He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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