it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
