Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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