a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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