I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
