I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
