tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
