the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
