walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
