grandma shit on top of the toilet
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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