I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
