I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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