omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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