mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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