Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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