I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
