He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
