Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
