If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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