R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
