So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just tell him i said nine months
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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