I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
