We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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