i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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