I smell stomach acid.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize