He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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