Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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