If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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